A collection of humourous items received from friends during the internet's early days.
Here is what the future could bring!!!
TCI, the nation's largest cable television company, is in talks to launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas and Electric Co. and Microsoft Corporation to design a "smart home". The home automation industry is expected to triple in size, from $1.7 billion this year to more than $5.1 billion by the year 2000. Here is the diary of a future homeowner!
November 28, 1995
Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealled. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt. Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep N. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and of course the twins: Deep and Dip.
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive was tragically hit by a bus and he died. His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
(Got this from an ex-girlfriend who delights in finding off-beat stuff and sending it to me!)
WHAT IS THE MOST POWERFUL WORD?
Well, shit...
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck,or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
Theology of toys
Capitalism - (S)he who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - (S)he who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - (S)he who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism - (S)he who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - (S)he who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
> Got a noisy kid at home?
> Wanna get "even"?
> Try this latest flavour ... guaranteed to take the breath away!
> (Yes yes I know...sick...but funny)
For those not following the recent controversy that has to do with Laura Schlessinger...
she is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah. Using religion and her "academic" background/experience, she made some statements about homosexuals that caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her. Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr. Laura" television show despite the controversy....
A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife bent over pulling the weeds, the husband says, "Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is as big as the gas grill."
The husband picks up a yardstick, to prove his point. He measures the grill, then he measures his wife's butt; "Yeah", he says, "just about the same size."
That evening they went to bed. The husband cuddled up to his wife saying, "How about a little lovemaking?"
